Richard's Realm - Adult Jokes

	Adult Jokes Last Updated 02 January 2009

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Previous Jokes (back to January 1997)

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Too Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud,
blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom
to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

Whats all the screaming about in there? he yells. Youre scaring my customers!

Im just sitting here on the toilet, slurs the drunk, and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts.

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, You idiot! Youre sitting on the mop
bucket!

Submitted By :filthyfred

Damn Clever Tattoo

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds: Its really cool... If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the
ocean.

Submitted By :filthyfred

Caddies

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives
went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing
that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded
a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make
the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to
Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up
and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that
she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded
a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy
undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot
Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root,
tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no
knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a
lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you
can tidy yourself up a bit."

Submitted By :Joe

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh
was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities
turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima,
Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours
as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never
knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes
-- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his
second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at
350 for about 20 minutes.

Submitted By :Kale Tammison

Actual Instruction Labels

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO"S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS" COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY"S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Submitted By :FUnkYMonKEY

Let The Trucker Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a
little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of
the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again
by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding
to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME.
He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

Submitted By :Richard Smith

Husband Mows the Lawn

A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her obstetrician. After the exam,
she shyly says, "My husband wants me to ask you something.

The doctor says, "I think I know what you're going to ask -- yes, sex is fine until late
in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confesses. "He wants to know if I can still mow the
lawn."

Submitted By :Anon

Texas Trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper
walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver
across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??"

The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around
here!"

"I apologize sir, I'm not from around here."

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The
passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger
across the face.

"What was that for?" asked the passenger.

"I know your kind," says the trooper, "About two miles down the road you would have
looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with
me!"'

Submitted By :Mario

Headaches

A man is having terrible headaches, he can't stand the pain and decides to go to a doctor.
The doctor tells him his balls are pressing against his spine and causing a reaction that
gives headaches, and the only way to cure it is to remove his testicles. The man goes home,
talks to his wife and decides to have the operation the next day.

Once he gets out of the hospital he needs a new suit because the crotch is too big on his old
ones. When he gets to the suit store a sales clerk walks up to him and says, "Neck: 16.5,
suit: 42 long, waist: 34."

The ball-less man tells him that he's right about everything but the waist size -- he is
actually a 32. The clerk replies, "If you wore a 32 your balls would press against your spine
and give you terrible headaches."

Submitted By :

Get on the Bus

One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since he didn't know where he was or didn't have
anyone to talk to, he had a Walkman and a set of headphones and was listening to music on the
bus. After a few stops, he looked up and noticed a woman get on the bus and look at the driver.
When the driver turned to her, she took her right hand and put her thumb on her forehead and
waved her fingers to the driver.

The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his forehead and
the thumb of his left hand was on his right hand and he waved all of his fingers to the woman.

The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver,
in response, extended his right arm and ran his left hand down his arm.

The lady then proceeded to grab her right breast.

The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch.

The lady turned away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed
at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady.

"What did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked.

The driver replied, "Oh, it's very simple. All you have to do is pay attention. She asked if
the bus fare was five cents. I told her that the fare was 10 cents. She asked if I was going
uptown. I told her that I was going downtown. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I
said that I was going by the ballpark.

She replied, "Oh, shit!!!! I'm on the wrong bus!!!"

Submitted By :

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